Comments on: Am I being too hard on my son?

By: klt

klt — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:47:59 +0000

Of my 3 oldest children, I required they have jobs when they turned 16. They all had to do some menial chores at home as well. I also allowed them to come to work with me on occasion,(I have my own business). for which they were paid. No job, no car. I’m more than proud of all of my kids, and I expect that they have pride in themselves as well. All 3 oldest joined the National Guard while in their junior yr of high school. The 2 oldest returned home with honor last fall from Afghanistan. Thank God my daughter did not deploy. I guess my answer to your Q is that you are the adult and the head of the house. Lead by example and don’t accept anything less than what you would do yourself. Life is hard enough, we all have to pull our own wagon and the sooner he learns that, the better his and your life will be.
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Father of 6 GREAT kids.

By: Tamae

Tamae — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:26:59 +0000

sicko.you would leave your own son at a homeless shelter
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By: The Dark Wisper

The Dark Wisper — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:08:59 +0000

Some ppl are just plain out lazy IDK, but mabye he just needs time, mabye he is scared of working, going into the world. But he should overcome that if its true. He would feel a whole lot better
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By: zascjs

zascjs — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:53:59 +0000

I don't think you are being hard on him except for the homeless shelter part. But you need to show him who is boss. And you should tell him if he does not at least try to succeed and get a job that he will have to find his own place to live. Just try to support him with finding a job and give him constructive criticism. Just try to be kind and fair in what you do. Because he is a little emotionally and socially behind you may have to be a little easier on him. I hope that everything works out.
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By: Pikachu

Pikachu — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:47:59 +0000

Hm, seeing the background info really clears up the air for me. Your son has emotional and social problems, what you see, he doesn’t understand. However, you guys should do a lot more together! Just to get the relationship stronger, since I can see it’s quite weak.

You are not being too hard on your son, I can absolutely see why you would say those things! He is just being way too lazy and you need to help him realize what reality is. Be positive and supportive, but also be persistent and understanding.

When he says "I don’t have it good here," he means that "we’re not rich and I am not enjoying anything life has to offer" OR he is just totally spoiled [sorry no offense since I'm not sure.]

Remember the little steps make a huge difference later on, so I recommend you doing this and see if it’ll work [just be patient and don't rush things]:
1 – Plan a vacation together, or even just to go out of town/city for a bit!
2 – Take him to place where BOTH of you can enjoy, possibly a place with a swimming pool or something.

Or if you rather stay home

1 – Ask him to help you with the garden or to rearrange the house
2- Talk to him about things he enjoys! [since guys usually like to talk about themselves] or to start it off you talk about what you enjoy!
3 – Tell him that you love him and you really worry for him, and tell him what would happen if you were not to live for another day! What would he do when you are gone.
4 – Sometimes people like that need a good push, so what you need to do [not saying you're a bad mother!] is to show some power inside the house. Remove his games or anything and tell him to smarten up! Talk to him, don’t be boring! Laugh here and there because if you’re too serious, you could possibly hurt him even more!
5 – Show him how to do certain things, like laundry or something. If you don’t get him involved in certain things he could think that he isn’t wanted! But do it together!

I am not sure if any of this will work! Only time can tell.

Don’t take it too far and don’t take it too fast!

I have a brother like your son.. I get mad at him the exact same way [except with the college and stuff].(He’s just so lazy!!!)

And you’re not being too hard on him.. you’re being a good mother and you should always do what is best for you child.
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By: FireFold

FireFold — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 11:58:59 +0000

The "homeless shelter" comment was a bit harsh, only because it probably did not make him feel very loved and a parent’s love is supposed to be conditional. However, you are in the right direction by trying to put a stop to this lifestyle. Does he have a car and is it in your name? Take the car away and only let him use it for job finding purposes. Or do not let him use it at all until he finds one. Take away the video games if you payed for those as well. Take the television. He is under your roof and should be living by your rules and right now he is just being lazy.
Good luck!
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By: Mary

Mary — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 11:45:59 +0000

No, you are not being too hard on your son. I have a nephew that at 24 and all he does is play wii and xbox. He too is behind in the emotional area. But he is extremely smart and my sister sent him to job corp and he did wonderful. He received his electrical degree and she has to push him to even take a shower. The best advice I can give is do not go out of your way to do for him. Tell him if it is so bad here see where you can go and have it like you do here, which is nowhere.
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By: Pedro

Pedro — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 11:31:59 +0000

From what you say it seems as if your son indeed needs the pushing. The dropping him at the homeless shelter was probably a tad much but you need to make him realize he can’t stay as a sponge forever. Tell him he does not have a choice, he either goes to college or gets a job. Most people do at least 1 of those and some even do both at the same time, it is not unreasonable to make him chose one. While waiting for him to make his mind is not necessarily a bad thing, time is moving and he could regret wasting time in the long run. You could also try to motivate him to do other activities. Most people like traveling to become more worldly, you could try to convince him to get a job, save some money and travel somewhere. He does not seem to have many expenses of his own so as long as he can get a job he could save money fairly fast depending on how much he works. It is a hard thing but pushing is the way to go here, he can’t just stay home not working while sponging of you.
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21 years old, I myself needed parent pushing every now and then. I was not a special ed though.

By: Joodz

Joodz — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 10:52:59 +0000

You are doing the right thing. I am a parent of an adult child; we didn’t experience this problem that you are dealing with, but others in our community did. I can’t help but notice it’s prevalence appears greater amongst those dealing with life challenges (ie your son having been in special ed). I think you are totally in the right.

I don’t think you went to far about saying he will have to choose between vocational rehab and the homeless shelter. How many ways are there to show him how serious you are?
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By: Visualize Whirled Peas

Visualize Whirled Peas — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 10:30:59 +0000

1) he’s a bum
2) he’s a lazy bum
3) help him pack for the shelter
4) consider the military
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God love you