I have a 19yr old son who graduated HS last summer. He does not look for work, will not fill out papers for financial aid for college, and is rude and disrespectful to me. The only chores I ask of him is to take out the trash daily, clean the cat pans daily, do snow removal/lawn care as needed, and occasional various little jobs around the house before he plays his video games. I told him today that I was making an appointment for vocational rehab for him and he had to go or I would drop him off at a homeless shelter. He says I am being mean and that he does not "have it good" here at home. Am I wrong? Should I let my son take his own time to get a life? I am tired of arguing with him, and would like both parents and adult children to answer this question so I get both sides. Thank you.
Background info. He was in special ed throughout his school years for a behavior disorder, but did graduate. He is socially and emotionally behind, but his IQ is above normal. The school didn’t give him job training because they wanted him to go to college.
Hm, seeing the background info really clears up the air for me. Your son has emotional and social problems, what you see, he doesn’t understand. However, you guys should do a lot more together! Just to get the relationship stronger, since I can see it’s quite weak.
You are not being too hard on your son, I can absolutely see why you would say those things! He is just being way too lazy and you need to help him realize what reality is. Be positive and supportive, but also be persistent and understanding.
When he says "I don’t have it good here," he means that "we’re not rich and I am not enjoying anything life has to offer" OR he is just totally spoiled [sorry no offense since I'm not sure.]
Remember the little steps make a huge difference later on, so I recommend you doing this and see if it’ll work [just be patient and don't rush things]:
1 – Plan a vacation together, or even just to go out of town/city for a bit!
2 – Take him to place where BOTH of you can enjoy, possibly a place with a swimming pool or something.
Or if you rather stay home
1 – Ask him to help you with the garden or to rearrange the house
2- Talk to him about things he enjoys! [since guys usually like to talk about themselves] or to start it off you talk about what you enjoy!
3 – Tell him that you love him and you really worry for him, and tell him what would happen if you were not to live for another day! What would he do when you are gone.
4 – Sometimes people like that need a good push, so what you need to do [not saying you're a bad mother!] is to show some power inside the house. Remove his games or anything and tell him to smarten up! Talk to him, don’t be boring! Laugh here and there because if you’re too serious, you could possibly hurt him even more!
5 – Show him how to do certain things, like laundry or something. If you don’t get him involved in certain things he could think that he isn’t wanted! But do it together!
I am not sure if any of this will work! Only time can tell.
Don’t take it too far and don’t take it too fast!
I have a brother like your son.. I get mad at him the exact same way [except with the college and stuff].(He’s just so lazy!!!)
And you’re not being too hard on him.. you’re being a good mother and you should always do what is best for you child.
no your not
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Your not going to be around forever. Time for him to start taking classes to better himself.
If he does not want to put fourth any effort, sometimes they need a swift kick in the ass to get them going (dropping off at homeless shelter).
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well maybe the homeless part is abit hard.
but otherwise i dont think so
also, make sure he dont disrespect you.
your the parent, dont let him get on top
lol and im only 14 years old
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nooo
drop him off at the shelter if you have to
he needs to respect you
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You talk to him but do you listen? You’ll find answers in what he says and how he responds to you.
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no you are not being too hard or mean. you would be doing him an injustice to continue to allow him to be lazy and disrespectful. it sounds like, even though he has a slight disability, you biggest problem is he is milking the situation. God forbid, but if something happened to you, he would need to know how to survive in this world. Time stops for no man!
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life
No, the generation of kids these days is outrageous!!!
They are sooo dam LAZY. I got a job at 15 at this little restaurant. & I have worked since then.
My brother is now 21 and lives off other people, my sister just turned 18 and lives with mom.
They wont even work PART TIME to at least show for something.
All teens care about these days is VIDEO games, ANY kind of entertainment, and party/friends.
They want to have it all and a fun life but don’t bring in any money to at least pay for gas, or the beers they drink illegaly… They LIVE OFF everyone else around them borrowing from everyone!!!!!
pathetic… Pisses me off… see, he acts this way because he knows he has somewhere to lean back on, LIke my siblings…
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Im 24, and I blame America for this problem so many families have. & the problem with American Parents? FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THREATS
Not at all. I am 19 and I got laid off back in september, I live at home until I can leave for the marines. All my parents ask are some chores. I still do odd jobs for my own money but whatever they want I will do. You’re son sounds like the definition of lazy. He needs to get his life straightened out. Don’t threaten him with a homeless shelter though. That is not going to help him move on with his life. Why don’t you try threatening him with taking his video games away? He is 19 but he needs motivation to do something with his life. Good luck!
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Yeah your a little tough on him, im 17… (semi adult-mature opinion)
i would expect my father or mother to be there for me till the end…
especially being maybe dsylexic. or whatnot. he dont and does have it easy.
Your the father…teach your son.. you aint done raising your boy. Get him a job, if he doesnt wanna apply him self after that, then thats his choice.
To Abandon your own son like a dog on the freeway. Thats your choice. if you think that will make him a better man.
Goodluck
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No, you’re not being mean. You just care about your son and want to help him, but he won’t help himself. There’s not really anything you can do if he doesn’t want to find his own life. You could kick him out of the house and say that you’ll always be there for him but won’t baby him anymore, or you could get a phsycologist’s help. I would pray for him though. Something seems to be happening to him spiritually and he needs to get past it or he will be stuck in that state. And just keep loving on him. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. ~ Martin Luthor King Jr. God bless, and I hope your relationship with your son grows.
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u r being a good mom… you should tell him to find a job and pay rent… or just shut up and live well just by doing chores and not complain… hes taking everything for granted.. considering that he is a little behind emotionally you should indeed take him to a shelter just to show him how good he has it compared to others… I am a 22 yr old who had to do everything on my own… wrked since i was 12 bought my own clothes and paid for my own prom, senior pics,college… evrything… never asked for money and always helped my parents… because without parents we would be nothing…
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1) he’s a bum
2) he’s a lazy bum
3) help him pack for the shelter
4) consider the military
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God love you
You are doing the right thing. I am a parent of an adult child; we didn’t experience this problem that you are dealing with, but others in our community did. I can’t help but notice it’s prevalence appears greater amongst those dealing with life challenges (ie your son having been in special ed). I think you are totally in the right.
I don’t think you went to far about saying he will have to choose between vocational rehab and the homeless shelter. How many ways are there to show him how serious you are?
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From what you say it seems as if your son indeed needs the pushing. The dropping him at the homeless shelter was probably a tad much but you need to make him realize he can’t stay as a sponge forever. Tell him he does not have a choice, he either goes to college or gets a job. Most people do at least 1 of those and some even do both at the same time, it is not unreasonable to make him chose one. While waiting for him to make his mind is not necessarily a bad thing, time is moving and he could regret wasting time in the long run. You could also try to motivate him to do other activities. Most people like traveling to become more worldly, you could try to convince him to get a job, save some money and travel somewhere. He does not seem to have many expenses of his own so as long as he can get a job he could save money fairly fast depending on how much he works. It is a hard thing but pushing is the way to go here, he can’t just stay home not working while sponging of you.
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21 years old, I myself needed parent pushing every now and then. I was not a special ed though.
No, you are not being too hard on your son. I have a nephew that at 24 and all he does is play wii and xbox. He too is behind in the emotional area. But he is extremely smart and my sister sent him to job corp and he did wonderful. He received his electrical degree and she has to push him to even take a shower. The best advice I can give is do not go out of your way to do for him. Tell him if it is so bad here see where you can go and have it like you do here, which is nowhere.
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The "homeless shelter" comment was a bit harsh, only because it probably did not make him feel very loved and a parent’s love is supposed to be conditional. However, you are in the right direction by trying to put a stop to this lifestyle. Does he have a car and is it in your name? Take the car away and only let him use it for job finding purposes. Or do not let him use it at all until he finds one. Take away the video games if you payed for those as well. Take the television. He is under your roof and should be living by your rules and right now he is just being lazy.
Good luck!
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Hm, seeing the background info really clears up the air for me. Your son has emotional and social problems, what you see, he doesn’t understand. However, you guys should do a lot more together! Just to get the relationship stronger, since I can see it’s quite weak.
You are not being too hard on your son, I can absolutely see why you would say those things! He is just being way too lazy and you need to help him realize what reality is. Be positive and supportive, but also be persistent and understanding.
When he says "I don’t have it good here," he means that "we’re not rich and I am not enjoying anything life has to offer" OR he is just totally spoiled [sorry no offense since I'm not sure.]
Remember the little steps make a huge difference later on, so I recommend you doing this and see if it’ll work [just be patient and don't rush things]:
1 – Plan a vacation together, or even just to go out of town/city for a bit!
2 – Take him to place where BOTH of you can enjoy, possibly a place with a swimming pool or something.
Or if you rather stay home
1 – Ask him to help you with the garden or to rearrange the house
2- Talk to him about things he enjoys! [since guys usually like to talk about themselves] or to start it off you talk about what you enjoy!
3 – Tell him that you love him and you really worry for him, and tell him what would happen if you were not to live for another day! What would he do when you are gone.
4 – Sometimes people like that need a good push, so what you need to do [not saying you're a bad mother!] is to show some power inside the house. Remove his games or anything and tell him to smarten up! Talk to him, don’t be boring! Laugh here and there because if you’re too serious, you could possibly hurt him even more!
5 – Show him how to do certain things, like laundry or something. If you don’t get him involved in certain things he could think that he isn’t wanted! But do it together!
I am not sure if any of this will work! Only time can tell.
Don’t take it too far and don’t take it too fast!
I have a brother like your son.. I get mad at him the exact same way [except with the college and stuff].(He’s just so lazy!!!)
And you’re not being too hard on him.. you’re being a good mother and you should always do what is best for you child.
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I don’t think you are being hard on him except for the homeless shelter part. But you need to show him who is boss. And you should tell him if he does not at least try to succeed and get a job that he will have to find his own place to live. Just try to support him with finding a job and give him constructive criticism. Just try to be kind and fair in what you do. Because he is a little emotionally and socially behind you may have to be a little easier on him. I hope that everything works out.
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Some ppl are just plain out lazy IDK, but mabye he just needs time, mabye he is scared of working, going into the world. But he should overcome that if its true. He would feel a whole lot better
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sicko.you would leave your own son at a homeless shelter
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Of my 3 oldest children, I required they have jobs when they turned 16. They all had to do some menial chores at home as well. I also allowed them to come to work with me on occasion,(I have my own business). for which they were paid. No job, no car. I’m more than proud of all of my kids, and I expect that they have pride in themselves as well. All 3 oldest joined the National Guard while in their junior yr of high school. The 2 oldest returned home with honor last fall from Afghanistan. Thank God my daughter did not deploy. I guess my answer to your Q is that you are the adult and the head of the house. Lead by example and don’t accept anything less than what you would do yourself. Life is hard enough, we all have to pull our own wagon and the sooner he learns that, the better his and your life will be.
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Father of 6 GREAT kids.